Everyone has defense mechanisms. They are ways of behaving that protect us when we feel threatened. Sometimes they are the result of childhood traumas. Sometimes they are just learned behaviors.
I build a wall. When faced with emotional pain, I build a wall around my inner self brick by brick to keep everyone else out. If the pain continues, I coat the wall with steel. If the pain still persists, I begin to freeze all emotion. You know, like Tracy on Heroes. One touch and things freeze before shattering.
I've been aware of this tendency in myself and have made a conscious effort to keep myself interacting with people even when I am in pain. I am a private person by nature and enjoy keeping parts of my identity away from others. So, it takes real effort on my part to continue to put myself "out there". I don't want others to enter my pain; I want to keep it for myself.
I felt the first bricks fall into place on Sunday. I have lived in emotional pain for nearly a year now and it became acute last Thursday. The only way that I anticipate survival is to shut down.
I don't have a great application or insightful saying. I just hurt. And I'm trying not to.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
Birthday
I turned 31 just a couple of weeks ago. For eight years now, I have celebrated my birthday with a tradition of adopting a Psalm for the year. I choose the one that corresponds to my new age and spend a year watching for all the ways God brings it to life.
This year, on my birthday, I had the morning to myself. So, I sat down to read last year's Psalm and journaled for an hour about all the ways God had revealed himself to me in the year before. It as an overwhelming and wonderful experience. God is good to me.
Here is my Psalm for this year:
Psalm 31
For the director of music. A psalm of David.
1 In you, O LORD, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame; deliver me in your righteousness.
2 Turn your ear to me, come quickly to my rescue; be my rock of refuge, a strong fortress to save me.
3 Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me.
4 Free me from the trap that is set for me, for you are my refuge.
5 Into your hands I commit my spirit; redeem me, O LORD, the God of truth.
6 I hate those who cling to worthless idols; I trust in the LORD.
7 I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul.
8 You have not handed me over to the enemy but have set my feet in a spacious place.
9 Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief.
10 My life is consumed by anguish and my years by groaning; my strength fails because of my affliction, and my bones grow weak.
11 Because of all my enemies, I am the utter contempt of my neighbors; I am a dread to my friends— those who see me on the street flee from me.
12 I am forgotten by them as though I were dead; I have become like broken pottery.
13 For I hear the slander of many; there is terror on every side; they conspire against me and plot to take my life.
14 But I trust in you, O LORD; I say, "You are my God."
15 My times are in your hands; deliver me from my enemies and from those who pursue me.
16 Let your face shine on your servant; save me in your unfailing love.
17 Let me not be put to shame, O LORD, for I have cried out to you; but let the wicked be put to shame and lie silent in the grave.
18 Let their lying lips be silenced, for with pride and contempt they speak arrogantly against the righteous.
19 How great is your goodness, which you have stored up for those who fear you, which you bestow in the sight of men on those who take refuge in you.
20 In the shelter of your presence you hide them from the intrigues of men; in your dwelling you keep them safe from accusing tongues.
21 Praise be to the LORD, for he showed his wonderful love to me when I was in a besieged city.
22 In my alarm I said, "I am cut off from your sight!" Yet you heard my cry for mercy when I called to you for help.
23 Love the LORD, all his saints! The LORD preserves the faithful, but the proud he pays back in full.
24 Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the LORD.
This year, on my birthday, I had the morning to myself. So, I sat down to read last year's Psalm and journaled for an hour about all the ways God had revealed himself to me in the year before. It as an overwhelming and wonderful experience. God is good to me.
Here is my Psalm for this year:
Psalm 31
For the director of music. A psalm of David.
1 In you, O LORD, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame; deliver me in your righteousness.
2 Turn your ear to me, come quickly to my rescue; be my rock of refuge, a strong fortress to save me.
3 Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me.
4 Free me from the trap that is set for me, for you are my refuge.
5 Into your hands I commit my spirit; redeem me, O LORD, the God of truth.
6 I hate those who cling to worthless idols; I trust in the LORD.
7 I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul.
8 You have not handed me over to the enemy but have set my feet in a spacious place.
9 Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief.
10 My life is consumed by anguish and my years by groaning; my strength fails because of my affliction, and my bones grow weak.
11 Because of all my enemies, I am the utter contempt of my neighbors; I am a dread to my friends— those who see me on the street flee from me.
12 I am forgotten by them as though I were dead; I have become like broken pottery.
13 For I hear the slander of many; there is terror on every side; they conspire against me and plot to take my life.
14 But I trust in you, O LORD; I say, "You are my God."
15 My times are in your hands; deliver me from my enemies and from those who pursue me.
16 Let your face shine on your servant; save me in your unfailing love.
17 Let me not be put to shame, O LORD, for I have cried out to you; but let the wicked be put to shame and lie silent in the grave.
18 Let their lying lips be silenced, for with pride and contempt they speak arrogantly against the righteous.
19 How great is your goodness, which you have stored up for those who fear you, which you bestow in the sight of men on those who take refuge in you.
20 In the shelter of your presence you hide them from the intrigues of men; in your dwelling you keep them safe from accusing tongues.
21 Praise be to the LORD, for he showed his wonderful love to me when I was in a besieged city.
22 In my alarm I said, "I am cut off from your sight!" Yet you heard my cry for mercy when I called to you for help.
23 Love the LORD, all his saints! The LORD preserves the faithful, but the proud he pays back in full.
24 Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the LORD.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
On my mind
I spent all day yesterday trying to decide which one of these ideas to blog about but I couldn't choose. So...
1. In a matter of 10 days: I have found my first gray hair...with about 15 others. I have gotten my first traffic ticket EVER. I will turn 31. I am in transition overload!!!
2. I have spent the last two weekends with different groups of people that I love dearly and trust deeply. They know the core of who I am and challenge me to live up to that. They pray with me, for me and over me. I am a better person after being with them and knowing that I walk this journey with all of them. They call Christ out in my life.
3. I have never spoken politically on this blog. I feel the need to say this. My kingdom is not of this world but I have a duty as a Christian to pray for the well being of my human leaders. I recognize that each of them are in place as God has ordained and I pray for His will to be done under thier authority. Many of my fellow Christ followers have taken it upon themselves to pray against our newly elected president, forgetting that our hope, refuge, and well-being lie beyond his control. I would rather pray that the plans of God be accomplished.
4. People are truly a mystery. They are not an equation that can be understood completely or made entirely predicatable. Maybe it's because we are made in the image of One so complex that we cannot fathom all that is within us.
5. I am married to THE most amazing man in all the world. He was superdad for an entire weekend, while preparing to preach and participating in the future of our church, so that I could spend time with my college girlfriends (see #2). Here's a shoutout to you, baby! You are awesome!
6. I often don't pray specifically because I am afraid of how God will answer my request. I am in a funky season of feeling really daring and just boldly asking what I really want. It feels crazy! And freeing!
7. I am not grown up yet. I think that's why this birthday is a little unnerving. I am supposed to be the adult. But even this weekend, I discovered things about what motivates me and pushes me to succeed that I hadn't realized before. Aren't you supposed to know all that stuff by now?
8. God took a huge risk in revealing Himself through story. There is a lot of room for interpretation surrounding story. Apparently, He's okay with that. I feel the need to make conclusive statements and lists about myself. Hmm...
9. Twin Springs Texas Sweet Red is my absolute favorite wine right now. It would seem that a lot of you share that love because the warehouse for the Dallas area is empty. Quit drinking my favorite! I found it first :-)!
10. The physical well being of our bodies does influence the spiritual well being. Fascinating!
I think that I'm done now. Whew! Maybe I can concentrate now!
1. In a matter of 10 days: I have found my first gray hair...with about 15 others. I have gotten my first traffic ticket EVER. I will turn 31. I am in transition overload!!!
2. I have spent the last two weekends with different groups of people that I love dearly and trust deeply. They know the core of who I am and challenge me to live up to that. They pray with me, for me and over me. I am a better person after being with them and knowing that I walk this journey with all of them. They call Christ out in my life.
3. I have never spoken politically on this blog. I feel the need to say this. My kingdom is not of this world but I have a duty as a Christian to pray for the well being of my human leaders. I recognize that each of them are in place as God has ordained and I pray for His will to be done under thier authority. Many of my fellow Christ followers have taken it upon themselves to pray against our newly elected president, forgetting that our hope, refuge, and well-being lie beyond his control. I would rather pray that the plans of God be accomplished.
4. People are truly a mystery. They are not an equation that can be understood completely or made entirely predicatable. Maybe it's because we are made in the image of One so complex that we cannot fathom all that is within us.
5. I am married to THE most amazing man in all the world. He was superdad for an entire weekend, while preparing to preach and participating in the future of our church, so that I could spend time with my college girlfriends (see #2). Here's a shoutout to you, baby! You are awesome!
6. I often don't pray specifically because I am afraid of how God will answer my request. I am in a funky season of feeling really daring and just boldly asking what I really want. It feels crazy! And freeing!
7. I am not grown up yet. I think that's why this birthday is a little unnerving. I am supposed to be the adult. But even this weekend, I discovered things about what motivates me and pushes me to succeed that I hadn't realized before. Aren't you supposed to know all that stuff by now?
8. God took a huge risk in revealing Himself through story. There is a lot of room for interpretation surrounding story. Apparently, He's okay with that. I feel the need to make conclusive statements and lists about myself. Hmm...
9. Twin Springs Texas Sweet Red is my absolute favorite wine right now. It would seem that a lot of you share that love because the warehouse for the Dallas area is empty. Quit drinking my favorite! I found it first :-)!
10. The physical well being of our bodies does influence the spiritual well being. Fascinating!
I think that I'm done now. Whew! Maybe I can concentrate now!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
