Wrestling

My son has taken to wrestling us for items that we try to take away before he is ready. In all fairness, he’s 17 months old. However, I didn’t get the memo that third children start the terrible two’s at 16 months old!

Last night after dinner, he was sitting at the kitchen table coloring. It is his new favorite thing to do. When it was time to go get a bath, he refused to give up the marker. Instead, he screamed, held the marker close to his chest and shook his whole body in a resounding “NO!!” Wow. That was fun.

Later that night I found myself in a very similar situation. Except this time, I was the child instead of the parent. As I lay down to sleep last night, I became very aware of how precarious life is. I don’t just mean life and death, I mean this experience we call life. For instance, our oldest has an MRI on Thursday. Her neurosurgeon will be checking her spine for compression points. If he finds any, she will face another surgery. She has already undergone four surgeries in her short six years of life. Our minivan, the hub of any large family’s existence, is dying a slow, painful but sure death. We really can’t afford to replace it but fixing it is like putting a band-aid on a tumor.

Just two examples of what was running through my head last night. As I lay there, I began wrestling with God about them. He says to trust Him with those things. He even has the audacity to tell me not to worry or be anxious in anything. How can a mother not worry about the health of her child? How can I not worry about our precarious financial situation? Life is fragile.

But instead of calmly laying those matters at the throne, I fought for them. I would be less of me if I turned them over. I pride myself on my ability to juggle a thousand china plates at a time without breaking a one. But in truth, I feel so overwhelmed by their weight.

I can’t comprehend a life without worry or anxiety. It seems to me that would be heaven. Can a human really live without worry?

I was thinking about Jacob and how he wrestled with God. To be honest with you, I always wondered why. It seems to be such a weird story to me. Who could possibly expect to win a wrestling match with God?

Today, it doesn’t seem so strange. I may not limp, but there sure are dark circles under eyes.