I knew from a very young age that this place is not my true home. I was a child that looked forward to going to heaven because that's where my daddy was. It seems a natural way for a child to express grief.
As I got older, I was still very comfortable with the idea that my allegiance was to the kingdom of heaven. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed my life as a teenager and a young adult but I knew that I wasn't supposed to get too settled here. This was just a part of the journey, not the destination.
I don't sit well on that train of thought anymore. It's not because I am really fond of the poverty, suffering, and diasaster that mark our world. Those are just part of this existence. I'm not even that crazy about mortages, jobs, and carpool.
I want to stay here because of the people that make up my life. I want see my daughters get married and become mothers. I want to see my son become a man. I want to see all the ways that God has shaped them to become adults. I want to sit with them in the quieter years of my life and hear their stories of faith. I want to be here.
I wrestle with this idea of allegiance today as a precious family was plunged into the depths of grief this week. They know where their allegiance is and yet they must feel cheated of all those things. A mother should never bury her own son. A brother, barely a teenager, should not see his older brother and mentor in a casket. A neice shouldn't cry for a favorite uncle's lap. A sister should not have to bear such horrible news to her parents. This doesn't seem the natural order of things.
Why God? Why must it be this way? Why is death a part of life? Why do the young die before they have a chance to live their life? Why do Daddy's die and never come home to the children who miss them? Why?
How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Monday, November 10, 2008
Journey
I love fall! I love cooler weather and pumpkins and hot chocolate and sweaters and rich colors and soup and Halloween and...
But most of all, I love the trees. I love the colors changing. It is such a mystery to me how it all works and why. Yes, I studied it in school and know the facts. But why? Why did God make it work this way? Why the cycle of slowly dying and falling and then blooming again? It is a delicate, deep mystery that leaves me feeling content.
I have a favorite tree this year. It is on my way home and I have been watching it for almost two weeks now. It was so slow to begin to turn. Other trees in this same yard were brillant colors of yellow and red but this one stayed green for a long time. Then one day last week I noticed that it had begun the process. But my tree didn't proceed in the normal pattern. The leaves on the tips of branches were red. In the middle, golden yellow. Inside, still spring green. The tree stayed this way for seven days! It was as if it was frozen in time.
Yesterday, I saw that overnight the yellow had creeped to the inside of the tree and the red had moved to the middle. Those inital rubies had fallen to the ground. I was sad to see that tree change. I had come to look forward to seeing it everyday on my way home.
We are that way aren't we? Even when we know something can't and shouldn't stay a certain way, we are sad when it changes. I was reminded that change is the way of life. It moves us forward at all time toward new blooms, new life.
I was also blessed by this tree that had it's own way to go about change. It didn't take the typical pattern or speed of change. It was moving just as it should have, at it's own pace and in it's own way. Beautiful!
Life is about change. Life in God is about changing to look more like Jesus all the time. That change requires the death of some parts of us and new life to grow in their place. Change occurs in each individual at their own pace and in their own way. God created each of us to walk a unique path, a journey all our own. But in the infinite wisdom, we were placed in a forest who has the same ultimate purpose: change.
But most of all, I love the trees. I love the colors changing. It is such a mystery to me how it all works and why. Yes, I studied it in school and know the facts. But why? Why did God make it work this way? Why the cycle of slowly dying and falling and then blooming again? It is a delicate, deep mystery that leaves me feeling content.
I have a favorite tree this year. It is on my way home and I have been watching it for almost two weeks now. It was so slow to begin to turn. Other trees in this same yard were brillant colors of yellow and red but this one stayed green for a long time. Then one day last week I noticed that it had begun the process. But my tree didn't proceed in the normal pattern. The leaves on the tips of branches were red. In the middle, golden yellow. Inside, still spring green. The tree stayed this way for seven days! It was as if it was frozen in time.
Yesterday, I saw that overnight the yellow had creeped to the inside of the tree and the red had moved to the middle. Those inital rubies had fallen to the ground. I was sad to see that tree change. I had come to look forward to seeing it everyday on my way home.
We are that way aren't we? Even when we know something can't and shouldn't stay a certain way, we are sad when it changes. I was reminded that change is the way of life. It moves us forward at all time toward new blooms, new life.
I was also blessed by this tree that had it's own way to go about change. It didn't take the typical pattern or speed of change. It was moving just as it should have, at it's own pace and in it's own way. Beautiful!
Life is about change. Life in God is about changing to look more like Jesus all the time. That change requires the death of some parts of us and new life to grow in their place. Change occurs in each individual at their own pace and in their own way. God created each of us to walk a unique path, a journey all our own. But in the infinite wisdom, we were placed in a forest who has the same ultimate purpose: change.
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