First Day Jitters

On Monday, our oldest joined the millions of children who marched back into the classroom to begin another of school. She was so excited and a little nervous. Here's just a sampling of our conversation while picking out the very important FDOS (first day of school) outfit:

RJ: Mommy, this is my favorite skirt. I want to wear it tomorrow.

Me: Okay, great! What shirt will go with it?

RJ: My high school musical shirt? (hopefully)

Me: No, baby. But your high school muscial shirt would look cute with this skirt.

RJ: But that's not my favorite. I want to wear my favorite on the first day.

Me: Well, then how about your Barbie T-shirt?

RJ: Is first grade too old to wear a Barbie T-shirt?


I pause here. Wow! IS FIRST GRADE TOO OLD TO WEAR A BARBIE T-SHIRT???? What else can I say to that?

Good-bye

I hate that word.

My daughters would remind me right now that we don't use the word hate in our house, but today it is the only word strong enough for how I feel.

Today I said good-bye to one of the most genuine friends I have had as an adult. I watched her load her precious children in the car and drive away from an upstairs window and my heart broke again.

A little research told me that the word is derived from saying, "God be with you". Apparently, as people wrote the phrase they abbreviated it to "Goodbye". I'm enough of a word geek that this is interesting to me but it also expresses what I truly meant through my tear choked good-byes. I meant, "May God go with you and bless you and bring you dear friends. May God be a tangible presence in your life as everything is new. May God comfort you as you mourn a past life and give you excitement as you begin a new life. May you be assured that our friendship will continue even as miles separate us. May you know that God is God, in California or Texas. May we someday watch our daughters play together again."

Maybe I don't actually hate the word because I love the idea of blessing someone with the presence of God but I hate the hole in heart today. And I hate thinking about all the tomorrows that I will miss the friend who saw me through post-partum depression, job searches, and the loneliness of life in ministry.

Here's to you, Em! I love you, girl!

A Decade

In just nine days my sweet husband and I will have been married for ten years. (I know, I should have published this yesterday so that it would say in 10 days...but, somehow I think I lost yesterday)

Wow! That's a decade! You know, like "the sixties". We've been married for 1o years. That's 3650 days and I have no idea how many minutes. (Math is not my thing!) I've been married for 1/3 of my life.

In some ways, I can't believe that is right. In other ways, I can't really remember life before we were married. I remember events from before we were married but it seems that I have always fallen asleep next to this man and eaten breakfast with him. He is my best friend and my completion. We just go together, like chocolate chip cookies and milk! There is no one else on earth that I would rather spend a lifetime getting to know better and trying to understand more. There is no other man on earth that I could feel so safe with. There is no other father that I would want my children to have.

GFP- i love you baby! Happy Anniversary!

PS- what are you doing on 8-8-18? I know this great beach...

Firefly Lane

I just finished a great book! Firefly Lane by Kristin Hannah is chick lit with a purpose. It is the story of two friends through four decades of life. It explores the question of a woman's search for purpose both in the the work world and at home.

I confess, it has some rough edges of language from time to time but the characters are so real. They breathe life at you from every paragraph. I laughed and balled (the end is soooo sad).

It was a great read that I picked up on a whim on the new release shelf at the library. I devoured the whole thing in under 8 hours of ignoring my family.

There is plenty of girl talk about fashion and makeup, some of it from every decade! The descriptions of the clothes and makeup from the seventies and early eighties are worth the read alone! There is also reference to great music (I still love the eighties!) and discussion about living life for what is really all about.

I'd love to hear if you enjoy it too!

Tired

There are days when you are just tired. Your body is begging for more sleep and muscles seem to turn to jello. And then there are seasons when your soul is tired. Your heart has been mourning for too long and your mind refuses to focus.

Today, the two have collided. Our weekend was a marathon of meaningful and fun activities and my body is tired! Yesterday, it was announced at church that another of our friends is leaving. I already knew but my children didn't. When the announcement was made, my middle daughter began to cry. I had no idea that she would process the information so personally and so quickly. Her tears prompted my own and feelings of abandonment were strong.

My husband and I began this journey of ministry together almost ten years ago. We are just now creating a rhythm of dealing with the pain and joy of it together in a healthy way. Now, we have to help our children do the same thing. I suppose that I naively believed that ministry couldn't hurt them in the same ways that it hurts us, as adults. But twice in the last two months, my middle child has said goodbye to friends because their parents have left the church staff and begun the quiet move toward a life outside of our own.

Her pain is unbearable to my already fragile soul.

And so today, I'm just tired. My heart is tired of hurting and body is responding in kind. We are having a pajama day to savor the healing qualities of rest.

Volume

So, I've had trouble coming up with a post for this week. I have had several ideas at one time or another but never wrote them down when I had them and then forgot them. I hate it when that happens! But last night, on the way to small group, my children provided me with rich material again...

Summer is a long season for a stay at home mom. There is no school, no mother's day out, fewer playdates and it is really too hot to send the kids outside for long periods of time.

One of the symptoms of this summer illness is that siblings get a little sick of each other. My girls are the best of friends and the worst of enemies in any given moment! They stay up late whispering across thier room to each other and giggling. And they scream at each other for taking a precious toy or writing in the other's diary.

Last night, we are in the minivan (can I just say again that we cannot live without our minivan?!) driving to our weekly small group meeting. The younger is writing in the air...yes, the air, with her finger. The older is screaming that the younger is writing on her rainbow. But, they are both writing in the air. After the first three screaming matches about this encroachment, the hilarity of it left me. They were getting on my last nerve.

As any other mother of young children, I want to teach them to resolve conflict in a healthy and constructive way. So, I turned the music on so loud that they both had to cover their ears! :-) After their jaws began to close, I turned it down to listening level and marveled that immediately they began singing praises together. In fact, their daddy would love to hear that there was even some harmony trying to work itself out from the back seat as we all belted out "How Can I Keep from Singing?"

That got me wondering about our church. We are in a painful time when lots of people seem to just be getting on each other's nerves. Maybe we should just turn up the praise a little...

Saving Submission

On Sunday at our church we talked about submission. Now before you throw your computer off of your lap or yell at the monitor, let me clarify.

We are in a series on Abraham and talked about how Abraham let Lot choose his land first. Our conversation focused on “submitting to one another out of reverence to Christ” not “wives submit to your husbands”. Both are important conversations to be had but I want to talk about submission in general before we drag gender into it.

Here is where I landed on things: the word submission leaves a sour taste in my mouth. It has been misused against me and in instruction of me for all of my life. I relate submission to be being a limp noodle. You are in submission to someone when they dominate you. You may know more about a topic or decision but you defer to another’s opinion either for the sake of avoiding conflict or for fear of their reaction. That is the submission that I have been taught in the past. Who would want to do that?

And why would Christ call us to a life of fear?

Maybe I’ve misunderstood. On Sunday, I started wrestling with the idea of submission as controlled power. Choosing the way of another not because they are better than you or smarter than you or stronger than you. Laying down my own will not because I am afraid of conflict or strong reaction. Submitting my choice to another to show love. Allowing what may not be best for me, right now, so that what is best for another can shine through.

That seems more like what Christ would call his followers to.

What do you think?